Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Conspiracy Theory? I Think Not!

“Everybody talks about the weather, but no one ever does anything about it.” -- Mark Twain

Did you ever notice that when it comes to local media predictions of snow and ice, the sky is always falling? Now I’m not usually one for conspiracy theories, but hear me out on this one.

Around Arkansas everybody loves the white stuff. No not cocaine! I mean snow. Besides, meth is the preferred drug of Arkansas. You know, buy local. Pardon me, I digress.

Okay, back to the Theory. Snow is what we Arkies demand, so the local media teases us with the wonderful possibilities so that we’ll watch/listen to their broadcast for the latest updates “right after this commercial announcement.” Sorry, DemGaz, no real way for you to capitalize on this. You might as well be the Farmers Almanac when it comes to the weather. But thanks for letting me know that the high in Harare will be 80 today. I really needed that information, especially since Harare is in Zimbabwe and seven time zones ahead of us. By the time I read it in the DemGaz, the temperature there will have already reached 80 degrees and I won’t be able to do anything about it! Still I digress.

Oh, yes, the Theory! Who benefits the most when Chicken Little, uh, I mean the media tell us that we’re going to be covered in snow and ice? Think. Come on think. That’s right! The grocery stores. Everyone runs out to buy the last loaf of bread on the shelf and the last gallon of milk in the cooler, even though, if we would just wait until 10:00am the next morning, the 1/10 of an inch of ice would all be melted.

What I haven’t figured out is the link between the grocery stores and the broadcast media because most of the grocery store advertising is done in the newspaper. Wait a minute! What’s the DemGaz doing wrapped up like rotting fish in my theory?

I demand an investigation! And I’ve got just the group to do it. The Arkansas State Legislature. That’s right. They’ve got extra time on their hands now with annual sessions and all. But ssshhhh, don’t tell Bobby Glover. He won’t want to do it.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I'm shocked. Shocked to find that corruption is going on in here.

Is anyone shocked about Illinois governor Blagojevich? Actually, I am just a little. I’m shocked that the Chicago political machine let him get caught so quickly and easily. Below is the video of me when I discovered Blago had been arrested.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Sen. Bobby Glover, D-Carlisle, Thinks You're Confused

State Senator Bobby Glover apparently thinks we're all a bunch of DumbArkies (or at least 69% of us).
According to this article, even though 69% of us DumbArkies voted for annual legislative sessions, Senator Glover thinks we were uninformed (read ignorant) about the amendment so he wants to change it.

He goes on to explain to us DumbArkies via Fox16 that we were only allowed to vote on the amendment because the State Legislature so magnanimously put it on the ballot because they didn't think it would get approved anyway. WHAT?! Are you kidding me?!?! So, Senator Glover just wanted us DumbArkies to think we were part of the democratic process, but since we didn't do what we were supposed to do, he wants a do over.

And the lesson that Senator Glover has learned after hearing from 69% of voting DumbArkies? Don't let the people have a say in such matters. (Read the article.)

Personally, this DumbArkie feels safer when our legislators aren't in session. So maybe Senator Glover is right, but he still shouldn't tell 69% of voting DumbArkies that they didn't understand what they were doing.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

BCS: A Taste of Armageddon

Ever see that episode of Star Trek when Capt. Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise get caught up in the middle of a war between two worlds that was completely fought by computers? Buildings were spared the ravages of war and the citizens caught up in the “attack” would report to their own government to be disintegrated. I was reminded of this episode when I found out that BCS computers were used to pick the champion of the Big 12 South.

Even though the University of Texas Longhorns (who as a DumbArkie I have always despised) beat the Oklahoma University Sooners in regular season play and both teams have identical records, Oklahoma was picked by BCS computers as the better team.

Why was the game even played? Couldn’t we have saved all those Texas fans their money and just cut straight to the computer pick? They would have had more money in their pockets and several hours of free time on a Saturday afternoon to rid their yards of those wild pecans that only Texas squirrels find edible. And what about the players? They could have been saved all the bruises, aches, and pains.

Perhaps now that a school the size of UT has been adversely affected by the idiocy of the BCS there will be a modicum of support amongst university chancellors across the nation to rid themselves of the inexplicable decisions of a machine.

But before we blame the machine, we have to remember that it’s garbage in, garbage out. The computer only does what we tell it to do. So instead of going through all of this nonsense, can’t we just have a playoff in NCAA College Football? That way no more teams will have to show up for their own “disintegration.”

Beam me up Scotty.