Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Conspiracy Theory? I Think Not!

“Everybody talks about the weather, but no one ever does anything about it.” -- Mark Twain

Did you ever notice that when it comes to local media predictions of snow and ice, the sky is always falling? Now I’m not usually one for conspiracy theories, but hear me out on this one.

Around Arkansas everybody loves the white stuff. No not cocaine! I mean snow. Besides, meth is the preferred drug of Arkansas. You know, buy local. Pardon me, I digress.

Okay, back to the Theory. Snow is what we Arkies demand, so the local media teases us with the wonderful possibilities so that we’ll watch/listen to their broadcast for the latest updates “right after this commercial announcement.” Sorry, DemGaz, no real way for you to capitalize on this. You might as well be the Farmers Almanac when it comes to the weather. But thanks for letting me know that the high in Harare will be 80 today. I really needed that information, especially since Harare is in Zimbabwe and seven time zones ahead of us. By the time I read it in the DemGaz, the temperature there will have already reached 80 degrees and I won’t be able to do anything about it! Still I digress.

Oh, yes, the Theory! Who benefits the most when Chicken Little, uh, I mean the media tell us that we’re going to be covered in snow and ice? Think. Come on think. That’s right! The grocery stores. Everyone runs out to buy the last loaf of bread on the shelf and the last gallon of milk in the cooler, even though, if we would just wait until 10:00am the next morning, the 1/10 of an inch of ice would all be melted.

What I haven’t figured out is the link between the grocery stores and the broadcast media because most of the grocery store advertising is done in the newspaper. Wait a minute! What’s the DemGaz doing wrapped up like rotting fish in my theory?

I demand an investigation! And I’ve got just the group to do it. The Arkansas State Legislature. That’s right. They’ve got extra time on their hands now with annual sessions and all. But ssshhhh, don’t tell Bobby Glover. He won’t want to do it.

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